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ah...Lemonade

When life gives you lemons....or a big fat leak from the ceiling....make lemonade.

So I returned home to find drip drip dripping from the upstairs onto my desk...and thus...onto my keyboard. Everything else was fine, just wet....sooooooo.... After the plumber left. Off I went to get an ergonomic keyboard. Rock on!! I've wanted one ever since I had one at my last office job. I don't know if it allieviated any repetitive motion but it was comfy and I've been coveting them ever since. So.... negative - fried keyboard...positive - new lovely keyboard.

Mmmm what else.... a nice holiday got all the stuff I really wanted especially The West Wing season 7 on DVD.

Will be celebrating a quiet new years at my home with steak and baked potato dinner and my lovely Lambic Framboise. After the last couple of years, I really (really, I'm not just trying to make myself feel better) prefer quiet at home New Year's Eve.

I'm sure I wanted to talk about something else (and continue to break in the new keyboard) but I can't think of it. So possibly more later. Ta ra!

"Don't tell anyone, but..."

So, over on LJ there's a blog (or whatever) where they give you a prompt and want you to reply in the comments. I'd have to set up a new persona there and I really don't want yet another persona....so I'll bring the prompts here if they picque something in me.

Don't Tell Anyone, But....
I'm not nearly as confident as people think I am. I put forward an image of me that I wish I could fulfill. I really feel inadequate a lot. A LOT. People think I'm outgoing. The fact is I'm quite shy. I don't act like a goof unless I know the people I'm around really well. When I describe myself as shy people laugh.

Don't Tell Anyone, But....
I desperately want to be in a relationship. Freakishly desperately. I ache to be "in love with" and loved by a man. Seriously. ACHE. I feel extreme hopelessness when I think about this particular topic. Hopeless enough to invoke St. Jude, St. Rita, and St. Anne. Seriously, when I'm out with the dog I pray fervently for their intercession.

Don't Tell Anyone, But....
I feel extreme jealousy in regard to my friends in relationships.

Don't Tell Anyone, But....
My best friend has changed so much (or maybe I have) that I don't think I would choose her as a friend now.

Tis the season to be weepy...

Holy cow...seriously...random things make my eyes well up and my throat close. They aren't particularly sad things either, take for instance this story from CBS News Sunday morning talking about a group of families who have synched their light displays. Why would I get teary eyed??!?! Oh I don't know, maybe because it's people getting together and showing Christmas spirit. Not to mention that most of these displays raise money or food for charity.
The various works of charity that get me all misty.
I helped serve dinner at a homeless shelter last week -- helping out at a charity thrift shop this week. God! I'm just so grateful for what I have. And I feel like such a faker sometimes. A lot of times I just want to hole up at home and do my own thing. Then I participate in spite of myself and I feel like a jerk for not wanting to. I was terrible, all I could think of at the shelter was that we were going past the time we said the function would end I wanted to drive to B&N to get my next installment of Laurell K. Hamilton. While I was at B&N I run over to another favorite store of mine, Cost Plus, and buy (on the cheap) a present for someone I don't like.
ROFL and I'm 14 kinds of bitch because I decided not to give the present to the person I don't like (a co-worker who is an idiot) and gave it to the secretary who helps everyone out (especially me last year - long story). Anyhoo....my thought process has derailed, I'll come up with more later.

So, today’s question is…… Am I a bad person because it’s hard for me to be happy that yet another single friend has become part of a couple?
“Tyrell” (it’s an inside joke) and I have had many heart to hearts. Most of them…hell, all of them during a time when we were both singular beings. He knows more about me than my “best” friend does. I’ve poured out my hurts and anxieties to him and he to me. I hadn’t talked to him in a long time. We went from daily calls to, shoot, maybe monthly. To even less. I really missed him -- he got me through a really, really, REALLY rough patch. The combination of Tyrell and my puppy kept me from the deep dark depths of despair.
So, finally, after ages and ages of brief e-mail messages he called last night. It was so fun to have a conversation with him. I missed the teasing. The just being silly. The sharing of stories from our day to day. Circling and circling and circling. I think he was worried about telling me about his new “baby mama”. I’m glad he did.
I’m so happy for him. Really. Truly.
And I’m so effing jealous I could feel my eyes turn green. Same old crap, different day. My anxieties reared their ugly heads again. So I hung up and really just wanted to cry. I want my friends to be happy. I hate feeling like “the last one” . Ty pointed out that just because every freakin’ person I know is part of a couple - - I don’t know what is going on. I know, but I’m still jealous as hell.
As if that weren’t enough…I had one of those moments where I saw a couple (with whom I am aquainted) have a simple interaction…just one of those “couple things” and my stomach dropped and I just wanted to cry.
I know. I know. I’m not a bad person. I just feel so wretched. I hate being single around the holidays. No, let me say what I mean:
I. FUCKING. Hate. Being. Single around the holidays. AND I hate that I’m dwelling on this constantly.
Somedays I just feel like this:
Its coming on Christmas ~ They’re cutting down trees ~ They’re putting up reindeer ~ And singing songs of joy and peace ~ Oh I wish I had a riverI could skate away on ~ But it don’t snow here ~ It stays pretty green ~ I’m going to make a lot of money ~ Then I’m going to quit this crazy scene ~ I wish I had a riverI could skate away on ~ I wish I had a river so longI would teach my feet to fly ~ Oh I wish I had a riverI could skate away on ~ I made my baby cry~

Funny thing is, the next part….a little naughty. That part doesn’t really apply. This song made me cry so hard last year. I really did just want to “skate away”.
{Sigh} Maudlin enough for one night. Adios.

Trepidation...

So.........I often find myself avoiding the blog simply because I am worried that what I write won't be good enough. Which is kind of silly because really, I'm just writing for me. To get things off my chest. I suppose I don't want somebody to stumble over this and say..."well there's a complete waste of the internets. what does this git think she's going to accomplish?" I would hope that no one would feel like I do after some staff meetings..... "well, there's an hour (or hour and a half) that I'll never get back." So if you feel my ramblings are a waste of your time, my abject apologies. Seriously. On that note... random catchy uppy stuff--

I've finished my Christmas shopping (yay!). I think the best thing I did was to start purchasing things in August. To be honest, the first present was a jokey one. But buying one or two along the way instead of trying to get everything in December...a brilliant plan I must say.

As I've mentioned in passing, I'm a teacher. A very rewarding and sometimes aggravating gig. recently we've had conferences. Mostly positive. The school really has (for the most part) active, engaged, and wonderful parental support. (There are occasional crazies and fruit loops but on the whole.....postive people). Anyhoo....one of my students had not shared his report card with dad. Oooops. Mom had seen it but hadn't passed on the info (interesting dynamic huh?). So, in they come for our conference....Pops sees the report card (D's and F's), and the print out saying "missing" or "late" next to a large number of assignments, and the awkward silences ensue. It was kind of amusing but really uncomfortable for me because Mom was going on about things they would do to change stuff and Dad is silently perusing the paperwork....... ooooh someone was gonna be busted.

All this after I explained to the kids for the umpteenth time that, in fact, you have to work your {ass} off to fail in my class. (I didn't say ass...but I wanted to).

Uhmmmma ummma.....I was really really sad about this story.....and I'm not sure why it affected me so much. I just started to cry. Especially when it was reported that his Dad paid to have survival packs dropped into the wilderness with clothes, food, and a note saying, "stay where you are, we're coming to get you." I'm not sure what stopped me from ugly crying but I'm glad it did.....going to work with blotchy face....not fun.

This story on the other hand cracks me up. Frankly I'm backing Barack. Too many people are vehemently opposed to Hillary.
Okay...I'm tired.

CRAP!

So...looking at my really gorgeous Christmas Tree......

I wonder....


Why the _ U _ _ I can't have anyone to share it with.

BALLS!