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ah...Lemonade

When life gives you lemons....or a big fat leak from the ceiling....make lemonade.

So I returned home to find drip drip dripping from the upstairs onto my desk...and thus...onto my keyboard. Everything else was fine, just wet....sooooooo.... After the plumber left. Off I went to get an ergonomic keyboard. Rock on!! I've wanted one ever since I had one at my last office job. I don't know if it allieviated any repetitive motion but it was comfy and I've been coveting them ever since. So.... negative - fried keyboard...positive - new lovely keyboard.

Mmmm what else.... a nice holiday got all the stuff I really wanted especially The West Wing season 7 on DVD.

Will be celebrating a quiet new years at my home with steak and baked potato dinner and my lovely Lambic Framboise. After the last couple of years, I really (really, I'm not just trying to make myself feel better) prefer quiet at home New Year's Eve.

I'm sure I wanted to talk about something else (and continue to break in the new keyboard) but I can't think of it. So possibly more later. Ta ra!

"Don't tell anyone, but..."

So, over on LJ there's a blog (or whatever) where they give you a prompt and want you to reply in the comments. I'd have to set up a new persona there and I really don't want yet another persona....so I'll bring the prompts here if they picque something in me.

Don't Tell Anyone, But....
I'm not nearly as confident as people think I am. I put forward an image of me that I wish I could fulfill. I really feel inadequate a lot. A LOT. People think I'm outgoing. The fact is I'm quite shy. I don't act like a goof unless I know the people I'm around really well. When I describe myself as shy people laugh.

Don't Tell Anyone, But....
I desperately want to be in a relationship. Freakishly desperately. I ache to be "in love with" and loved by a man. Seriously. ACHE. I feel extreme hopelessness when I think about this particular topic. Hopeless enough to invoke St. Jude, St. Rita, and St. Anne. Seriously, when I'm out with the dog I pray fervently for their intercession.

Don't Tell Anyone, But....
I feel extreme jealousy in regard to my friends in relationships.

Don't Tell Anyone, But....
My best friend has changed so much (or maybe I have) that I don't think I would choose her as a friend now.

Tis the season to be weepy...

Holy cow...seriously...random things make my eyes well up and my throat close. They aren't particularly sad things either, take for instance this story from CBS News Sunday morning talking about a group of families who have synched their light displays. Why would I get teary eyed??!?! Oh I don't know, maybe because it's people getting together and showing Christmas spirit. Not to mention that most of these displays raise money or food for charity.
The various works of charity that get me all misty.
I helped serve dinner at a homeless shelter last week -- helping out at a charity thrift shop this week. God! I'm just so grateful for what I have. And I feel like such a faker sometimes. A lot of times I just want to hole up at home and do my own thing. Then I participate in spite of myself and I feel like a jerk for not wanting to. I was terrible, all I could think of at the shelter was that we were going past the time we said the function would end I wanted to drive to B&N to get my next installment of Laurell K. Hamilton. While I was at B&N I run over to another favorite store of mine, Cost Plus, and buy (on the cheap) a present for someone I don't like.
ROFL and I'm 14 kinds of bitch because I decided not to give the present to the person I don't like (a co-worker who is an idiot) and gave it to the secretary who helps everyone out (especially me last year - long story). Anyhoo....my thought process has derailed, I'll come up with more later.

So, today’s question is…… Am I a bad person because it’s hard for me to be happy that yet another single friend has become part of a couple?
“Tyrell” (it’s an inside joke) and I have had many heart to hearts. Most of them…hell, all of them during a time when we were both singular beings. He knows more about me than my “best” friend does. I’ve poured out my hurts and anxieties to him and he to me. I hadn’t talked to him in a long time. We went from daily calls to, shoot, maybe monthly. To even less. I really missed him -- he got me through a really, really, REALLY rough patch. The combination of Tyrell and my puppy kept me from the deep dark depths of despair.
So, finally, after ages and ages of brief e-mail messages he called last night. It was so fun to have a conversation with him. I missed the teasing. The just being silly. The sharing of stories from our day to day. Circling and circling and circling. I think he was worried about telling me about his new “baby mama”. I’m glad he did.
I’m so happy for him. Really. Truly.
And I’m so effing jealous I could feel my eyes turn green. Same old crap, different day. My anxieties reared their ugly heads again. So I hung up and really just wanted to cry. I want my friends to be happy. I hate feeling like “the last one” . Ty pointed out that just because every freakin’ person I know is part of a couple - - I don’t know what is going on. I know, but I’m still jealous as hell.
As if that weren’t enough…I had one of those moments where I saw a couple (with whom I am aquainted) have a simple interaction…just one of those “couple things” and my stomach dropped and I just wanted to cry.
I know. I know. I’m not a bad person. I just feel so wretched. I hate being single around the holidays. No, let me say what I mean:
I. FUCKING. Hate. Being. Single around the holidays. AND I hate that I’m dwelling on this constantly.
Somedays I just feel like this:
Its coming on Christmas ~ They’re cutting down trees ~ They’re putting up reindeer ~ And singing songs of joy and peace ~ Oh I wish I had a riverI could skate away on ~ But it don’t snow here ~ It stays pretty green ~ I’m going to make a lot of money ~ Then I’m going to quit this crazy scene ~ I wish I had a riverI could skate away on ~ I wish I had a river so longI would teach my feet to fly ~ Oh I wish I had a riverI could skate away on ~ I made my baby cry~

Funny thing is, the next part….a little naughty. That part doesn’t really apply. This song made me cry so hard last year. I really did just want to “skate away”.
{Sigh} Maudlin enough for one night. Adios.

Trepidation...

So.........I often find myself avoiding the blog simply because I am worried that what I write won't be good enough. Which is kind of silly because really, I'm just writing for me. To get things off my chest. I suppose I don't want somebody to stumble over this and say..."well there's a complete waste of the internets. what does this git think she's going to accomplish?" I would hope that no one would feel like I do after some staff meetings..... "well, there's an hour (or hour and a half) that I'll never get back." So if you feel my ramblings are a waste of your time, my abject apologies. Seriously. On that note... random catchy uppy stuff--

I've finished my Christmas shopping (yay!). I think the best thing I did was to start purchasing things in August. To be honest, the first present was a jokey one. But buying one or two along the way instead of trying to get everything in December...a brilliant plan I must say.

As I've mentioned in passing, I'm a teacher. A very rewarding and sometimes aggravating gig. recently we've had conferences. Mostly positive. The school really has (for the most part) active, engaged, and wonderful parental support. (There are occasional crazies and fruit loops but on the whole.....postive people). Anyhoo....one of my students had not shared his report card with dad. Oooops. Mom had seen it but hadn't passed on the info (interesting dynamic huh?). So, in they come for our conference....Pops sees the report card (D's and F's), and the print out saying "missing" or "late" next to a large number of assignments, and the awkward silences ensue. It was kind of amusing but really uncomfortable for me because Mom was going on about things they would do to change stuff and Dad is silently perusing the paperwork....... ooooh someone was gonna be busted.

All this after I explained to the kids for the umpteenth time that, in fact, you have to work your {ass} off to fail in my class. (I didn't say ass...but I wanted to).

Uhmmmma ummma.....I was really really sad about this story.....and I'm not sure why it affected me so much. I just started to cry. Especially when it was reported that his Dad paid to have survival packs dropped into the wilderness with clothes, food, and a note saying, "stay where you are, we're coming to get you." I'm not sure what stopped me from ugly crying but I'm glad it did.....going to work with blotchy face....not fun.

This story on the other hand cracks me up. Frankly I'm backing Barack. Too many people are vehemently opposed to Hillary.
Okay...I'm tired.

CRAP!

So...looking at my really gorgeous Christmas Tree......

I wonder....


Why the _ U _ _ I can't have anyone to share it with.

BALLS!

lonely looking sky, lonely sky

Our fair Strumpet (she is you know….pale northern European…and tries to be fair to everyone) is a bit depressed today. Well not depressed so much as melancholy (?)… here’s me trying to think of the best “moody” word. The potential for romance is the thing that always throws me. I was out walkin’ the pooch this morning. We’ve had some snow and this morning I was awed by the beauty of the sparkles in the snow. Fascinated really - I was walking with my head down just looking at the ground. Wishing wishing wishing that I had a special someone to share my thoughts with.
Now…it’s not a thing you would share with a friend more of a lover/boyfriendy thing. Friends. Hmmm. Here’s where I have a bit of a problem. I have a lot (an abundance really -- that I’m grateful for) of people who I’m friendly with. I haven’t had a friend with whom I can share “deep dark secrets” with for some time. My “closest friend”, I’ve known since junior high. Unfortunately, she’s becoming more and more like her mom. Distant and judgmental. Strumpet (that’s me) is a very affectionate person. I tend to be less demonstrative than I’d like to be because a lot of people aren’t comfortable with it. CF (close friend) isn’t so much and never has been she isn’t even that demonstrative with her husband. Which brings me to…..
I’m in my early thirties. Everyone I know who is around my age, all of those friendly people….are married or engaged. The only single people I know are my younger sis’s age. Really discouraging. Really. So now what do I do? How do I meet the single guys who aren’t complete losers? Not into the bar scene….nope nope nope. Have tried the internet thing and crashed and burned more than once. The big name singles sites. Incredibly disheartening. (having fun with the word processor’s thesaurus finding words for “depressing”.)
Don’t get me wrong. I can function on my own. I can pay bills (most of the time). I am a well-rounded person who has a lot of interests. But I more often than not feel incredibly lonely. It’s a freakin’ awful feeling. I don’t like it. I’m amazed at how I brazen through everything. I’m sure friends (see above) suspect my loneliness but I keep it under wraps as much as possible. Hmmmmm……
STRUMPET’S WISH LIST
One or more of the following please:
Caring, politically compatible, bigger than me, comfortable with crying (me not him), comfortable with kids, comfortable with dogs (specifically mine), sense of humor, can cook, generally happy (because in spite of this entry, I am), intelligent (not necessarily educated….), public hand holder, cuddler/snuggler, enjoys an occasional lazy afternoon, doesn’t talk through movies, competent and reasonably courteous driver, responsible, has a job, has future plans, understands my need to read trash (oh yes, I do), gets along with my family, honest, tactful,…….(I’m sure there are more things….this is a good starting point).
And back to the beginning….took a break a bit ago to take the pooch out…. bitty ice pellets falling from the sky. It’s pretty amazing how something that can bring about so much danger (with idiots driving) can be peaceful…and a little awesome.
Enough of the rambly rambles.

Okay......I left the snow stuff...cuz it led to the other stuff which is still relevant....seriously~~

01/07
There is an innate sense of peace and joy that comes with falling snow. I could stand and watch it and get lost in the falling flakes. And yet, here I am. In all actuality I’m so worn out I should just go to bed. ... the snow….it’s falling and it’s wonderful great large flakes (I suppose they are clumps of flakes) it looks rather like falling cotton. It made me happy to see. The funny thing is that the students have been praying soooooo hard for snow. They’ve wanted a snow day so bad. Needless to say there was some disappointment at school this morning. It’s supposed to snow through tomorrow. We’ll see. Snow is generally a short-lived joy here.
I love waking to a world covered in snow, maybe because it seems fresh and new (the pessimist would say yeah…until every thing starts getting kicked up then it’s just slush and a mess). I think the reason I love it so much is because it’s a rare thing. Too bad it’s happening over the weekend and not giving us a snow day.
On the other hand, there is the pitifulness that is me…..I’m out looking at the snow…and this weight comes down on me and I get teary over not having someone special to share it with. How much I would love to have someones arms come around me from behind as I stand on the balcony watching the snow come down. I can almost feel it warm close leaning back against his chest. Talking softly about how the flakes are falling and how nice it is.
I can forget about the ache for a while and then it reaches out of the dark and grabs me sometimes my heart clenches with it and sometimes I feel it in my gut. The more unexpected the feeling is….the more it affects me. I go on and on but I can’t seem to communicate in words what this does to me.
That feeling is what led me to decide to spend New Year’s alone. Better to be alone alone than alone in a crowd. Feeling alone in a crowd is the worst. Ask anyone who has gone out with friends and felt like EVERYONE they were with was getting picked up except for them.
I can feel alone just fine by myself thanks….I don’t need the feeling amplified because then I really do feel like shit.
Oh God! I am so tired of feeling like shit. I talk myself into “accepting” and “getting on with things” but the fact is I don’t want to do it alone. There are all sorts of reasons I don’t want to go it by myself. Not least of which is that I’ve already lost two grandparents…I want to have kids so gramma can see great grandkids, I want to be the first one to have them. It’s not about what I want really…I know that In my head I understand there's a plan…(go ahead atheists/agnostics..argue with me). I just can’t seem to get it into my heart. I’m the oldest grandkid….it should be me that has the first great-grand kid….the absolute nightmare would be one of the Cousins having the first. What’s funny though, is I’d just be happy for gramma to see me married. I’m sure it would make Dad feel better too. I
keep trying to pray for “him”. But then I just get scared…I’m sooo so afraid. Continuing to be alone really just freaks me out. I wish I could figure out what “I need to do” for it to happen. Where do I need to go. I’d go in a minute. I wish God would communicate with me clearly, am I going to be alone? I can’t imagine that’s the deal, I think it would be clear by now.
I hate not being able to put into words what this does to me. I don’t have the language for how I feel. I feel profoundly isolated. It’s like I’m walking around with a bubble around me that says “not available”; only I didn’t set out to create the bubble. Like it surrounded me at some point when I wasn’t paying attention and nobody gave me the sharp implement to destroy it. Then, as if that weren’t bad enough when it all starts pushing in on me I fall back on the same vices. I go for a bit without trouble and then it pulls me back. One or two of the vices I can live with…..a couple of others just seem so self-destructive that I could do with encouragement.
Something else (who am I kidding? Someone else) to fill that void. I’ve heard (and learned) from various workshops that God created us with that void so that we would fill it with him. But, it’s like I was given an extra-extra large void and God fills most of it (most days…..I’ll admit that) but there’s still space…and that’s the space that needs the warm body to cuddle against. I’ve said it before, it would be much much easier if when I called out for God I could physically feel arms around me. It’s not really a crisis of faith I’m having, it’s a crisis of fear. I really thought I’d be ranting about politics tonight. Rather than typing about “those bastards” I’m whining about me.
So where do I go with this?
I listen to the last couple of songs…..and go watch snow for a bit.
And listen.

An Amendment...

holding hands would be good......
full body holding would be better

and thus...it starts...

I'm feeling REALLY tired today. Doesn't help that I stayed up late reading last night. Just wasn't sleepy and kept reading and reading Earthly Joys . Phillippa Gregory is one of my favorites lately, I love Historical fiction. The literary discussion should be saved for another time....I could go on and on and on. So...come home from work and have a delightful ceasar salad and my new Belgian love: Framboise Lambic it's very sweet and has a tang that I'm not sure I LOVE but....happy-making nonetheless. So...long story not so short, I'm really sleepy now. Ah, well, a day and a half until the break.

So...I was perusing my computer journal.....and found the first chunk I want to tweak and blog on......it's from the holidays a bit ago. Since the holidays are rapidly approaching....I thought I would pop it in and comment as I will. Italicized comments are from today....'kay? Here we go,


Early early 12/31
I have trouble letting myself sleep of late. I stay up til all hours which really isn’t all that healthy. I read and read and read until I’m so tired that my eyes won’t stay open and even then it sometimes isn’t enough. I just lay there and feel exceptionally alone. It’s so hard for me to be alone. I have friends n-none that seem very close-- but friends. Unfortunately it’s been longer than I really want to think since I kissed a guy. And that really was such a fucking disaster. That’s sort of freeing…swearing like I want to. I meet this guy on-line and ( don’t even remember how) it became a physical thing as soon as we met in person. {What a lie, I totally know what happened, we were both rarin' to go and so we did} I got spoiled. I once read in a book that once you go beyond certain points it’s extremely heard to go back. You know…if you go on to kissing it’s hard to go back to simply holding hands. That’s what I want though…holding hands. I’m desperate for it. {Seriously, I would be happy with holding hands....still...it feels so pitiful.} So desperate for it that any single guy I meet I size up for the possibility of a relationship. It’s pretty losery…that’s for sure.

{Large commenty chunk: Here's why I'm a total loser.... Every time I meet a new guy who is single and seems worthy of my interest (read: no wedding band, seems to not be a serial killer, reasonably intelligent, etc....) the following happens: I have an entire relationship in my head.
First date (slightly awkward but we seem to like each other). Multiple in-between dates. {some kind of major argument leading to making up) Romantical (or at least really cool) proposal. Followed by the wedding (which as many young women have done, I've had more or less planned since I was 12 (but have added many interesting options and am happy for input)).
THEN I start thinking about how it could all go horribly wrong. Yeah. Things like: why it wouldn't work out; and that he's way out of my league.
ALL. HAPPENING. BEFORE. ANY. KIND. OF. IN-DEPTH. CONVERSATION. that's right....the entire fantasy...the whole thing. It's really funny to me. In an "I'm a bit of a loser" kind of way.}
I just wish I could stop it. I mean really how much of a dork can I be?
Which is all why I’m avoiding people for New Year’s Eve. Oh sure I’m acting all “I just want a nice quiet evening” but really (and don’t think I didn’t know this before) I’m just hiding out. It so totally sucks to be single at the Holidays. I’m so sorry for myself and I feel so pitiful about it. It really shouldn’t make me feel like such a shit…but really …I’ve bought into the whole culture thing…if you’re alone you’re a loser.
Most of the time I can just brazen it out and act like it doesn’t bother me when in fact it fills me with angst and an ache where one imagines their heart to be. The fact that this has been an issue for me for so long doesn’t seem to help at all. I just don’t know what to do . I don’t know where to meet a man. I don’t want to act out of desperation. I don’t want to settle. I know my parents are probably worried it will never happen. I worry that it will never happen. I obsess about it never happening. There’s this irrational jealousy. It’s ridiculous really. But how do I not feel like a complete fucking loser when everyone I know (save my sister and her friends) is in a couple. How does my self-esteem not take a hit when I go out with friends and I’m the last one hit on (if I get hit on at all). (granted, it’s been ages since I went out with friends…maybe because they’re all paired off and don’t need to go out)…Not that I ever met anyone when I was out anyway. {Yup, all still true}
And here I am, wide awake. Thinking about the same shit I always think about. Not knowing what to do about it. Not knowing how to channel these feelings. Desperate to feel arms around me that I don’t have to worry about losing. I keep praying and begging and praying and begging. Then I start worrying that I’ve missed the sign….so I start praying for God to hit me over the head (figuratively, please). If it’s his will that I be single….I’d like to know so I can start working on accepting it.
But then…oh then I hold a baby and oh god how it just destroys me. Not a day goes by that something will bring me to the verge of tears or actually make me start crying. It’s the weirdest stuff too….holding a baby, seeing my friends be affectionate with their s.o., a moment on t.v. in a movie…..the news…in a book I’m reading. In the books I read because they help me escape yes…escape. I’m so lonely I read and then I read something that makes my gut clench….it’s oh so much fun. I don’t know how to resolve this and I don’t know what else to do…….enough for now.
Early 01/01 {Happy Frickin' New Year it was too....more on that later}
It’s come quietly for me this year. Made a killer steak dinner with filled brownie cups for dessert. Watched Return of the King and the fireworks. Did not much else but read and make a CD did some shopping.
As the old year passed into the new I did something I don’t remember doing before. I prayed. Hard. {Yup, Catholic ~ but as you can see....not conservative, more about faith/religion another time.} All twenty decades of the Rosary. I don’t write about it for some annoying reason some spiritual pat on the back. I write about it to mark that I did it. I want it so desperately to help. I’d like to not be selfish but mainly I want it to help me. To mean something for me. I don’t know what else to do. I don’t know what else is expected. I’m hoping that my mood improves. I’m off to read more and hopefully fall asleep tonight. That’s all for a coupla days. Peace this year I hope for the sake of the kids in uniform.

Part the first....

I mulled over this during the weekend. Why would I do this? I'm not planning on pointing any of my friends here...well maybe one. But I get sucked in to blogs. It's weird really....I read whatever page a link takes me to, then I get sucked in to this person's life. So, again, why?... because I can. Because, I think that being able to just vent when I'm writing and maybe "talk" things over can be amusing. Maybe it can even clean out my brain when it doesn't want to shut off and I'm laying in bed blinking at the ceiling.

I don't just want to type my journal for myself. I'm going to relish in the anonymity. You may or may not find out who I really am.

An explanation of the name....sort of.....

T = oh I don't know.....a couple of things come to mind... thoughts, talk, tea (which I like occasionally), teacher (which I am(augh! personal info...but not identifying...see how this works?)),

and

strumpet = well that's kind of self-explanatory isn't it?
dictionary.com says: strum‧pet Pronunciation[struhm-pit] -noun: a prostitute; harlot.

Now.... I'm not a prostitute or a harlot....but it's rather fun to have the, I don't know how to word it.....mentality maybe.... I’m a little too religious to actually be a strumpet…but I really really really love the word. I like harlot, and trollop, and …. well you get the idea. Part of it is definitely my love for a good trashy romance novel.

Anyway….I’m the Strumpet in the title and that’s that.

This blog will not be full of adult content but, there may be mature subject matter. The plan for my first few entries is to upload some of my personal journals….’cause some of that stuff is pretty interesting to me. I think that’s all I need for a first entry.