and thus...it starts...

I'm feeling REALLY tired today. Doesn't help that I stayed up late reading last night. Just wasn't sleepy and kept reading and reading Earthly Joys . Phillippa Gregory is one of my favorites lately, I love Historical fiction. The literary discussion should be saved for another time....I could go on and on and on. So...come home from work and have a delightful ceasar salad and my new Belgian love: Framboise Lambic it's very sweet and has a tang that I'm not sure I LOVE but....happy-making nonetheless. So...long story not so short, I'm really sleepy now. Ah, well, a day and a half until the break.

So...I was perusing my computer journal.....and found the first chunk I want to tweak and blog on......it's from the holidays a bit ago. Since the holidays are rapidly approaching....I thought I would pop it in and comment as I will. Italicized comments are from today....'kay? Here we go,


Early early 12/31
I have trouble letting myself sleep of late. I stay up til all hours which really isn’t all that healthy. I read and read and read until I’m so tired that my eyes won’t stay open and even then it sometimes isn’t enough. I just lay there and feel exceptionally alone. It’s so hard for me to be alone. I have friends n-none that seem very close-- but friends. Unfortunately it’s been longer than I really want to think since I kissed a guy. And that really was such a fucking disaster. That’s sort of freeing…swearing like I want to. I meet this guy on-line and ( don’t even remember how) it became a physical thing as soon as we met in person. {What a lie, I totally know what happened, we were both rarin' to go and so we did} I got spoiled. I once read in a book that once you go beyond certain points it’s extremely heard to go back. You know…if you go on to kissing it’s hard to go back to simply holding hands. That’s what I want though…holding hands. I’m desperate for it. {Seriously, I would be happy with holding hands....still...it feels so pitiful.} So desperate for it that any single guy I meet I size up for the possibility of a relationship. It’s pretty losery…that’s for sure.

{Large commenty chunk: Here's why I'm a total loser.... Every time I meet a new guy who is single and seems worthy of my interest (read: no wedding band, seems to not be a serial killer, reasonably intelligent, etc....) the following happens: I have an entire relationship in my head.
First date (slightly awkward but we seem to like each other). Multiple in-between dates. {some kind of major argument leading to making up) Romantical (or at least really cool) proposal. Followed by the wedding (which as many young women have done, I've had more or less planned since I was 12 (but have added many interesting options and am happy for input)).
THEN I start thinking about how it could all go horribly wrong. Yeah. Things like: why it wouldn't work out; and that he's way out of my league.
ALL. HAPPENING. BEFORE. ANY. KIND. OF. IN-DEPTH. CONVERSATION. that's right....the entire fantasy...the whole thing. It's really funny to me. In an "I'm a bit of a loser" kind of way.}
I just wish I could stop it. I mean really how much of a dork can I be?
Which is all why I’m avoiding people for New Year’s Eve. Oh sure I’m acting all “I just want a nice quiet evening” but really (and don’t think I didn’t know this before) I’m just hiding out. It so totally sucks to be single at the Holidays. I’m so sorry for myself and I feel so pitiful about it. It really shouldn’t make me feel like such a shit…but really …I’ve bought into the whole culture thing…if you’re alone you’re a loser.
Most of the time I can just brazen it out and act like it doesn’t bother me when in fact it fills me with angst and an ache where one imagines their heart to be. The fact that this has been an issue for me for so long doesn’t seem to help at all. I just don’t know what to do . I don’t know where to meet a man. I don’t want to act out of desperation. I don’t want to settle. I know my parents are probably worried it will never happen. I worry that it will never happen. I obsess about it never happening. There’s this irrational jealousy. It’s ridiculous really. But how do I not feel like a complete fucking loser when everyone I know (save my sister and her friends) is in a couple. How does my self-esteem not take a hit when I go out with friends and I’m the last one hit on (if I get hit on at all). (granted, it’s been ages since I went out with friends…maybe because they’re all paired off and don’t need to go out)…Not that I ever met anyone when I was out anyway. {Yup, all still true}
And here I am, wide awake. Thinking about the same shit I always think about. Not knowing what to do about it. Not knowing how to channel these feelings. Desperate to feel arms around me that I don’t have to worry about losing. I keep praying and begging and praying and begging. Then I start worrying that I’ve missed the sign….so I start praying for God to hit me over the head (figuratively, please). If it’s his will that I be single….I’d like to know so I can start working on accepting it.
But then…oh then I hold a baby and oh god how it just destroys me. Not a day goes by that something will bring me to the verge of tears or actually make me start crying. It’s the weirdest stuff too….holding a baby, seeing my friends be affectionate with their s.o., a moment on t.v. in a movie…..the news…in a book I’m reading. In the books I read because they help me escape yes…escape. I’m so lonely I read and then I read something that makes my gut clench….it’s oh so much fun. I don’t know how to resolve this and I don’t know what else to do…….enough for now.
Early 01/01 {Happy Frickin' New Year it was too....more on that later}
It’s come quietly for me this year. Made a killer steak dinner with filled brownie cups for dessert. Watched Return of the King and the fireworks. Did not much else but read and make a CD did some shopping.
As the old year passed into the new I did something I don’t remember doing before. I prayed. Hard. {Yup, Catholic ~ but as you can see....not conservative, more about faith/religion another time.} All twenty decades of the Rosary. I don’t write about it for some annoying reason some spiritual pat on the back. I write about it to mark that I did it. I want it so desperately to help. I’d like to not be selfish but mainly I want it to help me. To mean something for me. I don’t know what else to do. I don’t know what else is expected. I’m hoping that my mood improves. I’m off to read more and hopefully fall asleep tonight. That’s all for a coupla days. Peace this year I hope for the sake of the kids in uniform.