Okay......I left the snow stuff...cuz it led to the other stuff which is still relevant....seriously~~

01/07
There is an innate sense of peace and joy that comes with falling snow. I could stand and watch it and get lost in the falling flakes. And yet, here I am. In all actuality I’m so worn out I should just go to bed. ... the snow….it’s falling and it’s wonderful great large flakes (I suppose they are clumps of flakes) it looks rather like falling cotton. It made me happy to see. The funny thing is that the students have been praying soooooo hard for snow. They’ve wanted a snow day so bad. Needless to say there was some disappointment at school this morning. It’s supposed to snow through tomorrow. We’ll see. Snow is generally a short-lived joy here.
I love waking to a world covered in snow, maybe because it seems fresh and new (the pessimist would say yeah…until every thing starts getting kicked up then it’s just slush and a mess). I think the reason I love it so much is because it’s a rare thing. Too bad it’s happening over the weekend and not giving us a snow day.
On the other hand, there is the pitifulness that is me…..I’m out looking at the snow…and this weight comes down on me and I get teary over not having someone special to share it with. How much I would love to have someones arms come around me from behind as I stand on the balcony watching the snow come down. I can almost feel it warm close leaning back against his chest. Talking softly about how the flakes are falling and how nice it is.
I can forget about the ache for a while and then it reaches out of the dark and grabs me sometimes my heart clenches with it and sometimes I feel it in my gut. The more unexpected the feeling is….the more it affects me. I go on and on but I can’t seem to communicate in words what this does to me.
That feeling is what led me to decide to spend New Year’s alone. Better to be alone alone than alone in a crowd. Feeling alone in a crowd is the worst. Ask anyone who has gone out with friends and felt like EVERYONE they were with was getting picked up except for them.
I can feel alone just fine by myself thanks….I don’t need the feeling amplified because then I really do feel like shit.
Oh God! I am so tired of feeling like shit. I talk myself into “accepting” and “getting on with things” but the fact is I don’t want to do it alone. There are all sorts of reasons I don’t want to go it by myself. Not least of which is that I’ve already lost two grandparents…I want to have kids so gramma can see great grandkids, I want to be the first one to have them. It’s not about what I want really…I know that In my head I understand there's a plan…(go ahead atheists/agnostics..argue with me). I just can’t seem to get it into my heart. I’m the oldest grandkid….it should be me that has the first great-grand kid….the absolute nightmare would be one of the Cousins having the first. What’s funny though, is I’d just be happy for gramma to see me married. I’m sure it would make Dad feel better too. I
keep trying to pray for “him”. But then I just get scared…I’m sooo so afraid. Continuing to be alone really just freaks me out. I wish I could figure out what “I need to do” for it to happen. Where do I need to go. I’d go in a minute. I wish God would communicate with me clearly, am I going to be alone? I can’t imagine that’s the deal, I think it would be clear by now.
I hate not being able to put into words what this does to me. I don’t have the language for how I feel. I feel profoundly isolated. It’s like I’m walking around with a bubble around me that says “not available”; only I didn’t set out to create the bubble. Like it surrounded me at some point when I wasn’t paying attention and nobody gave me the sharp implement to destroy it. Then, as if that weren’t bad enough when it all starts pushing in on me I fall back on the same vices. I go for a bit without trouble and then it pulls me back. One or two of the vices I can live with…..a couple of others just seem so self-destructive that I could do with encouragement.
Something else (who am I kidding? Someone else) to fill that void. I’ve heard (and learned) from various workshops that God created us with that void so that we would fill it with him. But, it’s like I was given an extra-extra large void and God fills most of it (most days…..I’ll admit that) but there’s still space…and that’s the space that needs the warm body to cuddle against. I’ve said it before, it would be much much easier if when I called out for God I could physically feel arms around me. It’s not really a crisis of faith I’m having, it’s a crisis of fear. I really thought I’d be ranting about politics tonight. Rather than typing about “those bastards” I’m whining about me.
So where do I go with this?
I listen to the last couple of songs…..and go watch snow for a bit.
And listen.