So, today’s question is…… Am I a bad person because it’s hard for me to be happy that yet another single friend has become part of a couple?
“Tyrell” (it’s an inside joke) and I have had many heart to hearts. Most of them…hell, all of them during a time when we were both singular beings. He knows more about me than my “best” friend does. I’ve poured out my hurts and anxieties to him and he to me. I hadn’t talked to him in a long time. We went from daily calls to, shoot, maybe monthly. To even less. I really missed him -- he got me through a really, really, REALLY rough patch. The combination of Tyrell and my puppy kept me from the deep dark depths of despair.
So, finally, after ages and ages of brief e-mail messages he called last night. It was so fun to have a conversation with him. I missed the teasing. The just being silly. The sharing of stories from our day to day. Circling and circling and circling. I think he was worried about telling me about his new “baby mama”. I’m glad he did.
I’m so happy for him. Really. Truly.
And I’m so effing jealous I could feel my eyes turn green. Same old crap, different day. My anxieties reared their ugly heads again. So I hung up and really just wanted to cry. I want my friends to be happy. I hate feeling like “the last one” . Ty pointed out that just because every freakin’ person I know is part of a couple - - I don’t know what is going on. I know, but I’m still jealous as hell.
As if that weren’t enough…I had one of those moments where I saw a couple (with whom I am aquainted) have a simple interaction…just one of those “couple things” and my stomach dropped and I just wanted to cry.
I know. I know. I’m not a bad person. I just feel so wretched. I hate being single around the holidays. No, let me say what I mean:
I. FUCKING. Hate. Being. Single around the holidays. AND I hate that I’m dwelling on this constantly.
Somedays I just feel like this:
Its coming on Christmas ~ They’re cutting down trees ~ They’re putting up reindeer ~ And singing songs of joy and peace ~ Oh I wish I had a riverI could skate away on ~ But it don’t snow here ~ It stays pretty green ~ I’m going to make a lot of money ~ Then I’m going to quit this crazy scene ~ I wish I had a riverI could skate away on ~ I wish I had a river so longI would teach my feet to fly ~ Oh I wish I had a riverI could skate away on ~ I made my baby cry~

Funny thing is, the next part….a little naughty. That part doesn’t really apply. This song made me cry so hard last year. I really did just want to “skate away”.
{Sigh} Maudlin enough for one night. Adios.